I am

I watched Oprah today from her farewell season and Tom Shadyac was on with his documentary I am. It was weird because I have been standing at this crossroad for a while now and today I was blown away. It felt as it was meant to be that I saw this show today and it felt as they were talking directly to me. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

The documentary is about that we are all connected and that in nature, you never take more than what you need....have you ever seen an obese wild animal? Just enough to sustain you and you will find peace and happiness. Money and all the wealth in the world does not bring happiness. I saw this swedish show where a couple of economics help people to get back on track after putting themselves into debt. The person once had money but made a comment that it was too much pressure on him having wealth....the helper was raged and told him he was an idiot for saying that money is evil. I felt sick to my stomach because that is just I have felt for years now about money. For someone with a normal income and no excess wealth, it might be difficult to grasp the concept because one automatically think that money solves a lot of problems, therefore brings you happiness and life will progress with a rosy glow to it. It couldn't be more wrong. Yes, money brings you some comfort knowing that you can afford going to the dentist or have money if a situation comes up....I don't argue with that. But having more than you actually need brings on more trouble than you can imagine. Well, at least for me it has.

The pressure of investing them correctly, the troubles when the market takes a nosedive, finding the right people that helps you with your choices etc. It may sound trivial but it is pressure that is difficult to explain. It definitely makes you stay up all night worrying. Now, I have enough to make me feel secure....not more, not less, and I feel so much better or at ease if you will. It feels like a huge weight just dropped from my shoulders and I feel a bit happier. The documentary talks about how success is defined in our world....the bigger house the more success and happiness you have, the better car, the better clothes, the more friends on Facebook :) and so on. Who the hell cares, really? But it is so imbedded in us it's difficult to see anything else or when you do realize, you hardly dare to make a change because of what people will say and think about you.

My background....I felt the need to have a career that translated into good money and that people would find impressive. I decided to apply for veterinary medicine. It would take me 6 years to finish, it would give me great income and people would be impressed...and it would make my mom proud. So, I started the journey of becoming a veterinarian. (Have you noticed that me, what I want, was never considered in the equation? Just how other people would perceive me when I was finished) It is considered to be in the top of most difficult educations....not that the concepts are too hard to grasp or learn but the shear speed of the course and the amount of things you need to know and in the end you actually need to know the stuff because lives are at stake. Huge HUGE pressure! I had moments along the course where I felt that this may not be for me but there was really no time for deeper reflection until the end of the six years and a shitload of money spent. The only thing in my mind along the way....I will not disappoint my mother and the people around me....they WILL be proud. The only problem is that along the way I lost almost all my confidence as a human being, spent most of my money on something I really didn't want and it took me back to square one, literally!

I decided not to finish the degree with one month to go! I thought I would feel free but instead I am daily struggling with the fact that I did not complete the course, I still have no career to speak of and I feel I let people down.....

Tom Shadyac says that if you don't do what you love you die a little everyday! This is my life...

So, I decided to make a list of things I really like to do, not thinking about if it is possible or if you can make money from it...

I eat, breath and live interior design

I would like to make cheap designer furniture for the average crowd

I would like to sculpt in clay

I would like to inspire people

I would like to be involved somehow with animals rights and welfare

All I need is to let go of what other people might think and say and just go with my heart and hopefully I will find true happiness. Last night I opened up and told my boyfriend that I feel that I always have to defend where we live (we now live in a smaller town and I was brought up in the capital). How sick is that?? It is so screwed up! -Well, you see, I was born and raised in Stockholm, went to the best schools with the wealthiest people but we have decided to give this city a go but we can always come back to Stockholm if we want to......blah, blah, blah. If you ever meet me in person and here me say that speech....please slap me back to earth! ;) I hate the fact that the general notion is that if you live in the country you are less talented, earn little money, are nobody etc.....We never stop to think that these people might have chosen to live there and they love what they do and how they live? Why? Because success is measured where you live and it you have stack of cash - you automatically live in the city.

Now, when we visit Stockholm, all I see are robots....grey looking beings not looking at each other, just standing waiting for the bus, never looks happy or smiles....just stress, stress, stress. I do not envy them! Where I live we ride the bike to the city center or to work, we have the forest on our doorstep, just the fact that you can go out having dinner and drinks and be able to walk home at night...that is sheer bliss to me :)

I don't know anymore where I am going with this....all I want is to be free!

Like an old friend of mine once said....- I can never give you the material things you want. All I can give you is LOVE!

Remember; You are beautiful!

.....and on the next highschool reunion when someone ask me what I do for a living, I would like to be able to say that I am happy! because that is something to live for....